Sunday Dec 8th 2003
I have not written in this journal since June. It would be kind of disheartening to write over and over again that I 'm not doing so well. But mainly I think because if I was writing in the journal I would have to at least try to control my eating. And to be honest I am not at a place at the moment where I want to control my eating.
I feel like thebottom has dropped out of my world and that I am keeping my emotions under strict control and I just need to eat to keep everything in control, shove the food down and the emotions won't be able to come up.
I found out in June that my dad is dying, in May they gave him six months to a year to live. I cannot, will not, must not let these emotions overwhelm me. I seldom cry, I eat. I do not scream, or shout, or rant at the unfairness of it all. I eat. I am glad that we have had this time to lay to rest a few ghosts that still lie between us but I cannot break down, therefore I eat, and eat and eat. And just at the moment that is what I chose to do. What I feel like I need to do If I am to hang on to my tenous grasp on reality.
On the plus side I am no longer addicted to diet-coke, the headaches coming off were horrendous but I saw it through and beat the addiction.
Saturday June 28th 2003
Anyone whose been to this page before will notice that I have changed the format. I have decided that rather than charts it will benefit me more to keep a written food journal. concentrating more on when and how I eat
Once again no Breakfast, lunch was a quarter of a tub of pasta salad with 2 slices of bread and butter, again I wasn't hungry just others wanted to eat. Throughout the afternoon I had 2 slices of bread and butter and some chocolate crispy cakes just because they were there.
For dinner I had 2 pieces of dry bread and a third of cheese and tomato quiche. Again I wasn't hungry, wonder if I'll ever be hungry again. Just 3 cans of diet coke today. I really need to drink more water.
I really wanted to gorge this afternoon, I didn't I had a banana when I wanted chocolate then spoiled it later by eating one of my daughters club bars,(with permission). So bang goes my chocolate free day medal, guess I'll have to work hard to get one tomorrow.
Friday June 27th 2003
As per usual no breakfast today, made up for it at lunch though with 4 cheese spread sandwiches. Eat because it was time rather than through any feeling of hunger.
Dinner tonight was very healthy, a nice rice salad that lisa cooked with just a little salad cream drizzled over it and one slice of bread to wipe the plate. Again I didn't feel hungry but Lisa was hungry so we ate. We had a desert of chocolate crispy cakes which Lisa made as her cooking lesson.
I had a supper of 2 cheese spread sandwiches. No idea why I wasn't hungry I just happened to be in the kitchen.
As usual I haven't drank nearly enough water, 3 cans of diet coke, and 2 glasses of diluted lemon squash. Still I am pleased that I avoided buying any chocolate bars.
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